too many things been going on.
rumours flying around.
atlas, im still here.
heartbroken. was really looking forward for a new environment.

and people kept telling,
“Well, the most important thing, you still got your job.”

and i wonders, is that really the most important thing?

its a sad sad situation right now.
i dont even know where to begin.
seems my parents’ prayers have answered.
my rezki murah.
and InsyaAllah, kalau rezki murah, i might get to get out of this hell hole.

Many months back, I’ve vowed myself to be a more observant blogger. I don’t want to blog about my emotions all the time. I want to be more meticulous on my blogging with more interesting stories to tell, mainly about my observations.

 It might be difficult for me to describe what I observed. Contrary to my bookworm nature, my vocabulary can be pretty limited. Blame it on my very short memory span. Hehe.. But I will not prevail. The choleric in me believe that I’m a fighter. I’ve always been except that I’m lazy.

I’ve long known that I can do whatever and whenever I want. The thing is, the phlegmatic in me has been quite strong. I procrastinate a lot. It kept holding me back. There is too many things to do! And sadly, I did nothing.

As I am typing this down, I’ve had ideas of what I’m going to do, but implementing it, might take awhile. First thing on my list, is to narrow down on what I really want to do with my life.

Life, literally and the profession that I might choose.

I’ve long known that deskbound job is not my ‘cuppa tea’. I have super short attention span and most of the time, i’m distracted, making me unproductive. I need to be on the move although I might appear to be too lazy to move (but I’m changing that deadly sin).

So, what is it that I would really want to do?

If I were to answer the above question honestly, all I want to do is to have tones of adventures. I fancy being in the wild, explore the vast of the forest, climbing mountains, just being with the nature, in the nature, within nature. All of which, I have yet to do. Although I might have a small problem, going to the toilet might be difficult for me. I’m not that fussy, not all the time, but when it comes to really huge business, I need my hose and tap water. Toilet papers doesn’t work for me.

When I bring myself back to reality, all those mentioned above, needs money in order to have that dream to come true. And for that money, I have to work. Now, working is not that difficult. But finding the one that fits me perfectly, that’s a whole different story.

Document controlling, was lucrative. But I find it totally boring. And the hundreds of papers I’m dealing with gave me panic attacks and large amount of stress. Document controlling are not just about filing ok. Its controlling papers! And papers are my ultimate weakness! Who remembers me filing in school? I lost heaps of them!!

2009 has been a difficult year thus far. Financially, I’m still coping very well, but emotionally, I’m lost. I’m lost with all this clutters. I’m still searching. I don’t want to drag myself to work forever. I need to find my niche.

It’ll be for awhile. I’m sure I’d find what I want eventually. I’m searching. Hard. Very very hard. And this time, I’ll make sure. I promise myself, I’ll pray to HIM, that I’ll truly find what I really really want. 2009 will end great, with me striving for what I believe.

Three cheers for Aisha!!

1. FAZLI
2. watching Fazli work out.
3. watching Fazli super determined expression when he is lifting his super heavy weight.
4. watching Fazli lifting heavier weights than most guys.
5. watching Fazli’s satisfied face.
6. having Fazli to spot me.
7. Fazli’s encouraging words + gestures after each set.
8. Fazli trying to ’show me off’ by making me lift heavier weights than some teenage boys.
9. when Fazli approached me while i was doing my cardio just to throw me a smile.
10. when we argued about at whom the pretty boy we fancied was checking out, Fazli or Aisha.
11. blond haired pretty boy.
12. the discovery that im able to do more repetitions than i thought i could.
13. the discovery that im able to lift more weights than i could.
14. dicovering old primary schoolmates who looked buffier now.
15. discovering that i can pull more weight than a certain ex-schoolmate, much to the excitement of Fazli.
16. the aches after gym, especially two days after.
17. the massages i get after every session.
18. the giggles and jokes shared with Fazli.
19. teasing Fazli endlessly.
20. time well-spent with Fazli.
21. just being with Fazli. =)

yes, my life in gym revolves around Fazli. wahahaha… but what can i say? its where our love sparks. LOL.

its been a long while.

i’ve failed to have anything to blog about. and today is the same. i blog just for the sake of an update.

but i have news. my mobile phone is not working again! even after servicing! sooooooo urggggggghhhhh!!

and guess what? malas lah nak update. haha..

byeeeeee!

for the dude that i love, this is for you.

told ya smoking is bad.

just in case anyone is wondering how i’m doing, don’t worry.

I’m still cute.

and stronger than ever.

hehe.

bye bye now.

gonna siap siap for fondue date with Shikin.

WE LOVE US!!!

TOASTING to a WONDERFUL EVENING!!

i hope Haron enjoyed his birthday with us. We did.

“Or that look that you get when you show up late.”

to you whos endlessly late, i wont stop waiting.

i’ll wait for you no matter how long it takes you to get here.

but, i can’t promise you that,

 i will stop complaining,

or whining,

or sulking.

I will never give up waiting for you.

But I cant promise you,

that i’ll be able to give up complaining,

or whining,

or sulking.

but i promise i can try.

on my better days i will even smile.

i’ll nudge you and let you hold my hands.

i’ll give you kisses instead of blank stares.

i’ll hug you tight instead of angry glares.

we’ll share jokes and laugh till we develop stitches.

we’ll stretch our arms and touch our toes,

and make silly gestures.

*laughs out loud*

sigh… i’m feeling so hopelessly romantic. thanks to ‘Music and Lyrics’.

Drew Barrymore is soo adorable!!

i remember i use to be so fond of football.

apa taknya, every week, i’ll get my feet dirty on them.

nostalgic.

i grew up playing with boy cousins. and boys, being boys they were, has only two things in their mind. bugs and football.

hence, my childhood were spend(t?which one? gosh!) with my brother and cousins catching insects. namely grasshoppers, spiders, butterflies and earthworms. there were times we will catch frogs at a certain field after it rained.

when we were kids, almost every weekend were spent at my nyai’s(if we were not fishing at the beach). and on every sunny weekend, after homeworks or tuition (if we have any) time will be spend playing, playing and more playing. i remember asking permissions to play at the void deck which sometimes leads to pleading and begging. most of the time was a successful request and other times, begging doesnt help at all. and sometimes, there was a catch: our lil brothers and sisters will have to tag along. that, resulting with more pleading and whining. but, thats another story.

(sometimes, much to our excitement, our parents will bring all of us to yishun park.)

playing catching and football are our mandatory games. others will include pac-man, ali pom, rumah dayak, crocodile / buaya-buaya, roundess, badminton and many more that i cant remember.

and then, theres the ice cream man, whenever we hear bells ringing, one of the adults will keep a lookout and shout at the apek to wait for us if he was about to leave, while we run down with a few other adults to get our ice cream. 

now, i’m one of the adults. blearggghhh… but a funky one!! ahakz!

and if we cant play at the void deck, the corridor was a great substitute. we could play anywhere. no qualms. it was a good thing that one of my nyai’s neighbours are deaf and the other unit are empty most of the time. i also remember we used to  throw the ball over the parapet purposely just so we can run down, run around somemore and eventually go up. cheap thrills!! hahaha..

if the day was wet and cold, no problem, bilik yai ada! of all the rooms in my nyai’s, yai’s room is the most spacious as it doesnt have any furnitures in them except for a chair and a tilam. our very own indoor playground.

we will play wrestling, mostly tag teams, ‘blanket’, ‘nenek-nenek si bungkok tiga bluekkkk’. and when we are feeling a lil more ‘brainy’ we created quizzes or play ‘Pyramid’.

and sometimes, we will make our own tents with my yai’s heavyweight tilam..

sigh… those were the days. when we worry about what games should be played, where, when. where our parents will call us for lunch or dinner. when we collate our money to buy ‘ice lollies’ and then split them into halves and share with everyone. having one dollar coin with us was luxury back then cause with that money, we could buy a whole packet or ice lollies and everyone can have a piece each. simple pleasures!

wish we could turn back time just for awhile. maybe we could meet up and relive those days again. but everyone is so busy right now. almost sad to see where we are now.

and you, i miss talking to you. why have you not call me anymore? i dont hear any news from you at all. i hope you’re doing well and one day, you will have everything sort out. we will never stop praying for you.

seelah, side-tracked. was suppose to blog about football. haha.. this were just childhood stories from my maternal side. wait till i ramble more on the paternal side of the story.

till later~~

1.Are you slowly drifting away from someone close?

-perhaps.

2. When was the last time you felt unbearably guilty?

-most weekends. Always.

3. How is life going for you right now?

-so far, so blessed.

5. Who can you tell everything to?

-Yushalinkin for sure. Fazli.

8. Last words you spoke?

-Good Morning!!

9. Have you ever kissed anyone who’s name started with an S?

-Yes. Siti Mother, Siti Atek.

13. How do you feel about gay marriage?

-I don’t oppose the life they choose, but as open as I am, gay marriage is just wrong.

14. What is the next concert you’re going to?

-non that I planned of. I’ve never been to any concert.

17. Can you play guitar hero?

-I wanna try playing, definitely.

18. Do you like someone?

-I still have a crush on Johnny Depp

20. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

-Definitely warm. But I don’t mind the cold once in a while.

21. Is any part of your body sore?

-constipated, no shitting. Can’t give my shit to the toilet that’s waiting… haha..

22. Who is your last text from

-Metal

23. What is the last movie you watched in theaters?

-Madagascar2. ‘who says penguin cant fly?’

24. What do you currently hear right now?

-tremors. Crane tremors.

25. Who did you last share a bed with?

-Siti Nuratek

26. What do you think of the person you took this from?

-acquaintance.

27. How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?

-Hopefully before 30, when its easier to breed. Heh.

28. Would you rather watch football or baseball?

-Football. But I’d like to understand baseball to enjoy baseball.

29. Missing someone right now?

-Obviously.

30. What’s the strangest fact about you?

-hmmm..

I love green (colour) but totally hate drinking any green concoctions such as fruitade(especially fruitade! but will still drink it if you serve them at your house), except green apple juice.

And I don’t like strawberries, hates strawberry flavoured ice cream. but love strawberry flavoured milk.

31. Where is your number one person on your friends list?

-Yushalinkin, definitely.

32. Do you feel like dancing?

-all the time J. Bila nak karaoke??

33. How much money do you have on you?

-THOUSANDS!!! Kaya aku. Amin. Haha!

(I’m jesting!)

35. Is there someone on your mind that shouldn’t be?

-hmmmm… guess who?! Haha!!

36. Do you burn easily in the sun?

-thankfully, NO. I love the SUN. LOVE THE SUNNNNN!!!

Oh Mr. Sun. Sun. Mr. golden sun. Please shine down on me…..

37. Do you speak another language other than English?

-Yes.

38. What made you happy yesterday?

-One little phone call.